Now it has never been my intention to ignore this blog for so long but as in all previous times, things simply just happen. It would seem that our relationship is a precarious one and I suppose that in some sense I find it quite hard to talk about myself (really, what could at all be interesting about me?), though it certainly doesn’t help that there is such a dearth of excitement in my life.
That said, the day seems pleasant yet I’m cooped up at home because aside from being on winter break, I know that no matter how blue the sky is, or how deceptively fair the iridescent sun portrays the world outside my enclosure to be, the fact of the matter is that it’s horridly cold and I for one have had enough of winter for another year or so. So no, Mr. Sun, I know quite better (thank you very much). Having mentioned winter break, I guess I should mention that school is going extremely well and if I were to mention what my marks were it would seem too much like I’m bragging–and that would be unbecoming (let us just say that my lowest mark was a 90 percent and whether that constitutes as bragging is between me and the good Lord). So yes, school is fine but rather stressful at times. By ‘fine’ I mean ‘long and difficult’ and by ‘stressful’ I mean ‘oh so unbearable’ and by ‘at times’ I mean ‘practically all the time’; though I suppose, hence winter break.
I should think that heaven is similar to a long, unending, winter break and more importantly I should think that it’s citizens aren’t prone to such wonderful understatements. At this point, you might begin to suspect, dear reader, that I have nothing useful to say and that we are in actuality engaged in a performance of futility wherein the sole task is to see for how long I can keep writing and, perhaps more importantly, for how long you can keep reading. “Yet does this make sense”, you should ask and quite clearly it doesn’t and yet this is winter break and things need’t quite make any sense at all (says the Mad Hatter to Alice).
On a slightly more serious note (and there crop up those pesky understatements again) I have been thinking about why I maintain my blog, not this one (I quite well know why I have this one: something along the lines of a dirty habit to write for almost no other soul in the world. sometimes.) but rather my other one. Not that I dislike or choose to recant anything I have written there, not that there should even be anything to recant either way, but it’s just that at one point I was driven in part because there once was someone I had in mind when I wrote (not that I was ever able to show them the blog but we did mostly talk concerning the same things) and now I have largely lost this reason. The fact is that rarely, if ever, do people change and while I never thought that this individual had so large a bearing on God Omnipotent, it has become quite clear that they do, all three of them. I’d like to think that I do this for God and in some respect I suppose that this is true but to be perfectly honest, at times even this reason does not seem enough. It is said that Noah preached for 100 years and reached no soul, but I’m not Noah, neither do I have 100 years.
This is not to say that I won’t keep up with God Omnipotent, it is merely a change of perspective, and perhaps a plea for a new raison d’être. Furthermore, I wonder in what spirit I write my posts, whether it is because I want to defend the good news of the gospel or whether I want to defend the notion that my beliefs couldn’t possibly be wrong? How do I judge other Christians who hold, what are to my eyes, heterodox opinions and how do I try to engage them or try to illicit a response from them (when I know quite well that in doing so they will entangle themselves in many contradictions and so forth) without seeming belligerent and merely looking for an argument? Now, I don’t mean to suppose that I am at all guilty of the above (and isn’t it quite ironic to claim to such innocence when one can never be perfectly certain of their own heart?) but these are just things I think about when the sunlight and the blue sky make the outside look so fraudulently beautiful, and I am afraid of the cold, while cooped up at home enjoying a well-received winter break.
I hate examining my motives. I often find they smell about as lovely as thawed roadkill, and this unfortunately applies a good deal to my blogging ventures.
Don’t let the stress of school harass you too badly, this too shall pass, and if your grades stay anywhere near where they are now, you will too. Blessings,
Eden
Thanks Eden, introspection in light of God wants from you and what you actually end up doing is quite scary, and awful and other adjectives. Let me tell you that invariably always coming up short really sucks, a lot. I dislike the fact that God makes me do this and knows that I need this more than I care to admit–even when it does seem to be the case that I’ve come out of this self-examination pretty good. I suppose that at times like this the Pslamist would write something like “The LORD laughs at man’s self-righteousness”. Dear God when will you realize that you’re expecting a bit too much from me.
To use a nifty piece of American slang: I hear you. It does feel like God asks too much, but there is the consolation that He will not ask something of you He is not willing to help you with. And once I really get it scrawled inside of me that He doesn’t *poof* disappear when I mess up, that will be a great encouragement.